haunted ;
haunted ;
so yeah tts 1 realli bad side of me tt i dun think many will noe. unless ure realli observant. but i dun think theres anyone close enough to me to notice tt. not even weiming.
n i can be realli straightforward n stubborn. ive tried looking at HIM from a better perspective. but i still dislike him. i still hate him. jealousy, disgust, hatred.. it all builds up. dun ask me why. i cant be bothered to trash out things abt him. those under him r fine as individuals. but when they get together it disgusts me.
n i realli mean tt. weiming if u see this i can only say tt tts realli wad i feel.
tts y things r getting tough. ai wu ji wu. love a man, love his dog. like wtf the dog is screwed. it is the reason for so many of my mood swings. ive tried to tolerate ive tried to understand ive tried to let go.
now i dun even need to try. we're drifting.
then i ask myself. wad's there to hold on to? sad to say, i dun realli noe. maybe the answer is deep down somewhere inside. just tt i dun feel it now.. but tt goes to show tt all of it isnt strong enough. at least i dun feel tt strength. so i ask. wad abt faith? yeah okay tts a bit better. im feeling just a bit of it.
r we holding on just for the sake of convenience? r we holding on just bcos we're too used to each other's presence? like today. i was feelin damn weird n numb. but i still just went arnd school looking for him.. just like wad i wld usualli do (with much frustration n usualli to no avail tt is). itz mechanical.
i dun noe if im out of my mind now or wad. but ive said some of the stuff which i realli mean.
trash things out or trash me up.. up to u.
time;9:33 PM
the comp itself. din realli practise much b4 tt oso. saw many ppl like junhong, chenshao n kelvin. omg kelvin.. was damn shocked la haha. thanks to fangjie too for helping us. haha he tied n retied my sash for me so many times. n kept commentin tt my waist is small.. den he said itz out of proportion. like huh. ya so tts y he had to keep retying. cos my waist is weird..? haha.
hahha i realli thought tt i wld get a mental block n totally forget the taolu. n when i was doing it i realli din noe wad i was doing. got off the carpet n almost totally walked off without waitin for my results. but i walked back. haha. just realli forgot everything immediately la. 7.7. ah quite lousy but i think okok la. hehh considering i hafnt been practising much. onli ehh 1 month plus this year? haa yupp. something like training once or twice a week.
think jiaolian like abandon us =( din care abt us.
it realli felt different.. n it felt good tt kelvin was there to cheer me on. i was realli feelin damn paiseh at first tt he was gonna watch me. but his support realli touched me la. could hear him so clearly from the other end of the hall. n when i kinda lost my balance he cheered me on even more. yeah i realli appreciate it a lot la. tts oso cos y im not realli affected by my lousy performance.
but onli if wm was there. hai. yeah i understand. studies r still a lot a lot more important =)
wushu. manjusri. old friends. brought back a lot of memories. a lot of new ones too. new experience. yea. nv thought tt i wld b there at manjusri competing instead. realli showed me how much things have changed. how we haved changed. the memories, though faded, still fond. n i realli miss those days.
it just all feels damn weird. here im tryin to appreciate n hold on to the most wonderful things i have now.. but there in some part of me theres still the past tt i had tried so hard to let go. i thought i am succeeding in seizing the wonderful times now n tt ive succeeded in letting do. but then today i realise. i seem to haf failed in both. ah.
went wif my teammates n ms lin to eat beancurd at geylang there since we were early n the bus would take some time. haha walked out.. started raining like crazy. yeaa n the road was hard to cross too. but we made it there.. all for a bowl of beancurd. but ya it was quite fun la getting drenched all together. den took the bus back. hahha. super funny la. carrie n hweeting r super knowledgeable abt the hot spots at geylang. haha all the way thru geylang we were tryin to spot them. n ms lin cldnt stand us cos we kept talkin abt such topics.
this day. 10th april 2007. the same fateful date 2 years back. ok nvm. this day.. it is definitely more than just losing in a competition. it is new experience gained. old memories rekindled. new bonds forged in my team. new thoughts. a new perspective. a new beginning.
what a great day tt i realli hope tt it wont end.
time;9:18 PM